Exiting Us: Part One

RIOT has always been the coolest place at Muskoka Bible Centre. Everyone has known this truth for years – the program is highly favoured, generally amazing and those people who are uninvolved are, naturally, quite green with envy. MBC leadership has also favoured RIOT for their dedication to the cause, brilliance in program and their friendly, creative, good looking staff. It also helped that RIOT’s leader, Essay, was on John Friesen’s good side. All in all you might say that RIOT had it made as far as the summers went... except for one thing.

MBC’s maintenance department had gotten a little bossy in 2009. Gord, the King of the Shop and Keeper of the Keys, had “enlisted” the help of the RIOT staff and kids. The more popular RIOT became, the more people Gord sought to use in his “volunteer” garden weeding army. Luckily for RIOT, John Friesen knows just about everything that goes on around the grounds, and he decided to help.

During Essay’s lesson one morning, John Friesen called her over the radio. “Essay, this is John. We need to talk.” Knowing that this conversation would require her full attention and a quiet space, Essay grabbed the walkie-talkie and left Sensé to lead a game of Poopdeck. She went outside and sat on the chair out front, facing the maintenance shop. Gord was by the Laundry room, watching her and awaiting the end of her conversation... waiting to pounce on the opportunity to trick her into helping again. "Essay," John said, drawing her attention back to the conversation at hand, "I need you to switch to Channel 4." She did and he continued. "Some of your kids came up to me at lunch today. What is this I hear about Gord and the gardens?" Essay quickly explained the situation from her perspective. "Okay. I will do what I can, but I'm off property all day today and tomorrow, so I need you to follow the following instructions to the letter. And don't worry - Gord works for me and we will work this out, whether you know how or not. Trust me."

For the next few minutes John Friesen told Essay what needed to be done to keep Gord from abusing his power over them. No sooner did she "Over and Out" than Gord slammed the door of his tell-tale blueish-green car, and walked across the parking lot. "Essay," he began in his quiet, grandfatherly way, "the gardens by Founders Hall are in need of a good weeding and I don't have the labour force to get it done today. Would you mind bringing your kids over and working on the flower beds for a few hours of program this morning?"

Essay cringed. She mustered her bravery together and gulped back the lump of intimidated fear that had grown in her throat. Remembering John's words she looked Gord in the eye. "No, Gord. My kids need to play, not work. They're here to learn and have fun! Please, give us a break for a session and let us go to the beach in peace!" Gord laughed. "Wow, finally standing up to me. How about I make you a deal... you and your kids go weed that garden and wash all of the windows on the ground floor, and we'll call it even for today." Essay blinked back tears and stammered out, "J-j-john says..." but Gord cut her off. "John Friesen's not the boss of me! We all know that I am the one who is keeping this place running. Now, go in there and explain your new responsibilities to all those little junior high kids. And do it with a smile."

Essay went back to RIOT with a smile on her face but with tears in her eyes. She handed out gloves and assigned a wheelbarrow to Giggie and Riggs and Sensé. Spades, shovels, squeegees and spray bottles of a copycat Windex glass cleaner were distributed among the scowling grade sixes, sevens and eights. In a single file line, with Gord waving from the maintenance shed, RIOT trooped down to Founders and worked right until lunchtime.

At noon Essay called John using her walkie-talkie on Channel 4. "John!" she cried. "Gord is being even meaner than usual. Now he's got us washing the windows, for crying out loud!" John, as always, was very calm. "Essay, you're still doing the right thing. I will send in reinforcements, but I'm afraid I'm still at Fair Havens until tomorrow. Tell Gord to knock it off or I'll have Program egg his car."

That evening Gord returned to Treetops with a honey-do list as long as his arm. "Okay, Essay. I thought up a few more things to keep RIOT out of trouble, and I think you might even enjoy the work! Scrubbing down all of the MBC vehicles, or taking out all of the kitchen garbage, or my favourite, cutting the grass with nail clippers! That last one is really just for my own entertainment." Essay got up on her tiptoes, trying to maximize every inch of her potential height. "Gord, you had better stop right there - or John Friesen is going to egg your car."

Gord laughed in her face for a long, long time.

When he finally pulled himself together, he did not even resemble the kindly, Cap'n Crunch loving, elderly man that everyone knew. He looked at her with an icy expression and without even a hint of irony or sarcasm he said, "I am going to make sure you never have another fun program as long as you live."

Essay took the list back into the RIOT room. As she let it drop to the floor, she shut the door behind her. Sensé picked it up and read it to the group. Squeeks stood up and said he thought the list was bogus. Reid and many others nodded quietly. "Well," said Essay, "I hope that John's got something a little more dramatic than egging up his sleeve."

John was indeed planning something far, far more dramatic. With the help of Chief and Wingspan, John not only had Gord's car egged in the middle of the night, but they also toilet papered his house, painted his car pink and yellow, died his hair green, uprooted every last flower in his own personal garden, ate his Cap'n Cruch and drank all but a teaspoon of his milk and set fire to his secret stash of fireworks, wasting them in the forest where only the two of them could see. Chief and Wingspan videotaped the whole thing and sent it to John (and Gord) the next morning.

John was ecstatic, Essay was so nervous her teeth were chattering and Gord was absolutely livid. He fumed over to RIOT headquarters and kicked the door open with one blow - at exactly ten o'clock. "FINE!" he hollered, throwing up his hands and knocking off the baseball cap that was covering the hair that was usually quite white. "TAKE YOUR BEACH DAY! I don't want your help anymore anyway! I never want to see you weed another thing in your lives! And here - here's fifty bucks for ice-cream while you're at it! Now, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Treetops was suddenly filled with shouts and cheers of joy and excited chaos. Quick as a whip they were packed up and marching boldly down to the waterfront.

It only took Gord about three minutes to realize his error. It was Jaime Brown who pointed out the problem first. "Won't this mean that we'll have to do the work ourselves?"

In a flash Gord had rounded up the entire maintenance department and even some of the gung-ho housekeeping staff. "Everybody grab something with wheels!" Trevor, Kevin and Ernie grabbed tractors. Kyle took a riding mower, Arthur detoured the hayride that was still full of Skippers, and Jamie grabbed a wheelbarrow... but then he swapped it in for a golf cart after Gord hit him upside the head with last year's Brutus stick for making a bad choice. The housekeepers took all of the vehicles with keys in the ignition (which was, not-so-surprisingly, most of them)and Gord lead the charge in his pink and yellow station wagon. The chase was on.

RIOT has been walking to the beach slowly until they heard the all too familiar honk of Gord's vehicle. With one look over her shoulder, Essay screamed "RUN!" and RIOT took off down Hub Hill, tumbling most of the way to the bottom. They were nearly mowed down by the mob of machinery behind them, but Gord's army had come via Founders Hall and was delayed by the chain which only served as a thirty second stall because Gord (of course) had the key. By the time RIOT made it to the Marina's little boat house, Gord was passing the Chip Truck at a frightening pace! Essay screamed frantically into the radio! "JOHN! WE NEED SOME BACK-UP!!!"

Out of nowhere Chief and Wingspan ran with rapid-fire paintball guns, sending weltable splatters of colour in every direction. Both of them were decked out from head to foot in redneck-camouflage-flannel-meets-ninja-stealth-black-leather body suits. They definitely looked intimidating. "Quick!" Chief shouted to Essay, "We've got 1000 paintballs here and then you're on your own again. Get to the canoes! Head for Widji Island!"

Essay hustled the RIOT kids into the canoes while she and Frooger grabbed kayaks. By the time Program ran out of paint they were already out past the floating docks and making good speed. Unfortunately Gord also had a key for the MBC boat. Maintenance and housekeeping held several quick rounds of rock-paper-scissors to decide who got to ride in the boat and everyone else jumped on the banana shaped tube that was trailing along behind it. The not-so-gentle man started his engine and tore onto the lake in hot pursuit.

Just then John Friesen drove Old Man Van across the beach and fishtailed to a stop. In a move that can only be compared to Robin Hood he pulled an arrow back on the string of a large compound bow and let it fly. Program gasped as the arrow pierced a perfect hole right through the motor, causing the engine to flood and the boat to begin to sink. His next arrow shot the tube and sent everyone aboard flying into Mary Lake. When Gord finally swam back to shore John took back all of his keys, fired him and banished him from MBC property forever. RIOT got safely to the island.